


A Bath Without Vulgora

by Shiba_with_a_Typewriter



Category: The Arcana (Visual Novel)
Genre: Bathing/Washing, Fluff, Gender-Neutral Apprentice (The Arcana), Humor, Illustration included!, Other, beetles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-06
Updated: 2020-07-06
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:48:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25104964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shiba_with_a_Typewriter/pseuds/Shiba_with_a_Typewriter
Summary: A luxurious bath awaits… but Vulgora won’t be joining you. (Presumably, you don’t have enough coins to afford it.)How will you make do in their absence?
Relationships: Apprentice/Vulgora (The Arcana), Vulgora (The Arcana)/Reader, Vulgora (The Arcana)/You
Comments: 10
Kudos: 51





	A Bath Without Vulgora

The scene was set. The marble bathtub was filled with perfumed water adjusted to the perfect temperature, a thick layer of foam and bubbles blanketing its surface. Nadia had intended a bath, but oh dear, it seemed that _someone_ had let Praetor Vlastomil’s Hesperian Death Worm loose in the palace, allowing it to rampage wherever it pleased. You’d passed Nadia on the way up to the bathroom, hearing the shrieks of those below you as the praetor’s cherished worm went on a whirlwind spree of destruction.

Earlier that day, you’d passed by Vlastomil chatting to a table of several other high-ranking nobles. It seemed that today he’d decided to show off one of his prized worms, too — the enormous, flabby thing was perched on one of the chairs as if it were simply another aristocrat. Comically, there was a satin collar tied about its front half, and a leash securing it to the table.

Then, as you watched, Vlastomil and his friends walked over to a tea cart one room over, too distracted by their own gossip to notice the mad gleam in your eye.

You cautiously approached the table. The fat, pale worm was curled docilely in its plush seat, and for a second you worried that your plan wouldn’t work. Then with a deft motion, you removed a pair of scissors from your pocket and snipped its braided leash.

And then all hell broke loose.

All according to plan, of course. You’d run from the scene of the crime, dashing past Vulgora in a hallway and breathlessly instructing them to meet you by Nadia’s bath chamber.

You currently wait by the bathroom door, heart beating fast. All this chaos has been sown for just one thing. They finally round the corner, stomping towards you in their usual aggressive gait.

You’ve only been dating for a few weeks now, but you’re already learning that it can be somewhat difficult to get any one-on-one time with them. Vulgora seems to have a fixed schedule — a fixed schedule that revolves around the basic concept of punching things. Allegedly, there’s other courtly duties they’re sometimes occupied with, but you’ve never seen much evidence for them.

They stop in front of you, staring at you suspiciously. There’s a hint of a smile under that scowl as they point down the stairs, where a worm is currently wreaking havoc.

“I’m assuming that was you.” You nod and they laugh loudly, a broad smile lighting up their face.

“HILARIOUS!”

Their smile fades a little as they peer around you in confusion. Behind you, the door to the bath chamber has been left wide open, the tub filled to the brim with hot water and waiting for occupants.

“So, er, why did you want me to meet you here? I’ve got things I need to do.”

You doubt this. You smile hopefully, trying to make your next words sound as much like an unobtrusive suggestion as possible.

“Well… with Nadia distracted with Vlastomil’s worm, I just thought it would be a _shame_ if this nice bath went to waste.” You can practically see the gears turning in Vulgora’s head. It’s clear that they’re missing the concept. You clear your throat and try again.

“I mean, there’s so much _room_ in that bath as well. It’d be a pity if just _one_ person used it.”

You’re laying it on thick here, and yet Vulgora still looks as if they’re mentally fighting to put the pieces together. You let out a sigh, realizing that, as always with Vulgora, you’re just going to have to be blunt.

“Vulgora, would you like to take a bath with me?”

They stare at you for half a second before they erupt in side-splitting laughter.

“A BATH? _HA!_ ” You feel your hopes dash against the rocks of reality. Vulgora is still laughing, and quite uncharitably.

“You want ME to go and splash about in scented water?!” Their laughter is only growing louder. You feel your lips curl downwards into a sad frown.

“I only take cold showers, of course,” Vulgora boasts, shaking their head and grinning wide enough that you can see the tips of their sharp teeth.

“I just wanted to spend some time together,” you say quietly, and they finally notice the dejected look on your face. They freeze, and look slightly guilty.

“Oh…. uh, well…” they suddenly fumble with their words. It’s true that Vulgora is not the most sensitive of partners, but you know they don’t intend to hurt your feelings. They’re just a bit… brash. They awkwardly search for the right words for a moment.

“It’s not that I don’t want to, but I _can’t_. I mean, I’ve got to go fight that death worm you let loose.”

“Why not just leave it to the palace guards?” you ask, but Vulgora waves their metal gauntlets in a dismissive fashion.

“The guards? _PFFFT!_ Everyone knows those guards couldn’t defeat a garden snail if it challenged them to combat. I’m the only match around for that creature!” They turn away, clearly eager to go fight the worm.

“WAIT!” All your planning is rapidly going down the drain. All you want is a nice bath with your new partner. Why can’t Vulgora just give you this one thing? They turn back around, and you gesture pathetically into the air.

“Can’t you stay for just a second?” you plead, feeling frustrated by this waste of time. It’s clear they feel guilty, but not guilty enough to get into the decadent bath behind them. Then, their golden eyes light up.

“Oh, you know what, I have an idea.”

They reach the sharp tips of their gauntlet into the collar of their tunic — and pluck out something red, shiny, and _moving_.

“Vulgora…” you groan as a beetle crawls to the end of their silver gauntlet. They offer the beetle out to you.

“Here — it will be just like having me with you!” You stare blankly at the beetle before accepting your fate and extending your hand. The beetle hops from Vulgora’s hand to yours, its antennae waving cheerfully at you.

“Okay, I’m going. You have fun!” Vulgora hollers as they quickly book a retreat. You’re left standing, the large red beetle still in your hand and your face a little red with frustration.

“Fine, _be that way!_ ” you shout, but they’re already too far away to hear you.

You sigh in resignation, entering the bath chamber and locking the door behind you. You still wouldn’t dream of the bath to go to waste, after all.

You take off your clothes, piling them near the door, then sliding into the warm water. For a moment, you close your eyes and allow your senses to be consumed by the pleasant heat and the fragranced steam rising from the bath. Even without Vulgora here, distracting Nadia away from her bath was absolutely worth it.

You only open your eyes again when a noise causes you to glance over and notice that Vulgora’s beetle has not left you. Suddenly, you have an idea.

You spot an oval-shaped sponge on a nearby shelf. You grab it and gently float it onto the surface of the water, making sure it stays buoyant.

Next, you pick up the beetle from the floor and hold out your hand. The beetle calmly scuttles onto the flat surface of the sponge. You observe it suspiciously — you’re well aware by this point that Vulgora’s beetles are an extension of themself. They’ve sent a beetle to watch over you once before, and you’re now familiar with the weird sensation of being spied on through the eyes of an insect.

Not that you’d really mind if they were spying on you right now. But if they have time to spy, they damn well have enough time to join you in the bath.

The beetle doesn’t look like it’s currently being controlled by Vulgora, though. It waves its antennae in the air, seemingly satisfied with floating around on the sponge as if it were its own personal boat. Considering that the tub is practically the size of a sea compared to the beetle, it might as well be.

You wonder if soap is okay for beetles. Then again, this isn’t really a normal beetle.

Is soap okay for _demon_ beetles?

There’s only one way to find out.

“Well, Vulgora, let’s see if you regret trusting me with this bug,” you mutter under your breath. Since Vulgora themself won’t be joining you, you figure you may as well clean up the beetle a little. Like they said, the beetle’s a tiny part of them, right?

You swim over to the side of the tub, where there are dozens of different soaps organized across the marble stone. They all smell like heaven, and you glance back towards the beetle.

“If you have a preference, Vulgora, you’d better tell me. Otherwise, I’m just going to pick,” you warn the beetle. You’re now one hundred percent sure that Vulgora’s not paying any attention to the beetle. Something tells you that if they could see what you were about to do, they’d come rushing back pretty quick.

You finally settle on a bar of soap that smells like sea salt and something floral. It bubbles easily under your fingers. As you inhale, the scent fills your nose, and you let out a sigh of happiness before glancing at the beetle’s somewhat dusty carapace.

“Here you go,” you say, carefully depositing a tiny amount of soap onto its back. The soap slowly foams up, cleaning away the bits of dust that cling to the beetle’s shell. You’re extra careful as you rub about the beetle’s leg and antennae, closely watching for any signs that the soap might be harming it.

Once you are through, Vulgora’s beetle is covered in a thick soapy foam. So far, it hasn’t protested its fate, and has been curiously compliant.

“You’re looking cleaner already!” you coo at it, and it wiggles its mandibles at you in a gesture that you interpret as affection.

“How to get that soap off you without dunking you in the water, though?” you say, tilting your head and looking about the bathroom.

Your eye catches on a few shimmering white washcloths nearby, and you grab one, feeling the soft and fluffy texture on your palms. You dip the end in water. With gentle hands, you rub down the beetle, noting how much more shiny and red it looks now that it has been cleaned. You carefully wipe away the last of the soap, and it lets out a small chittering noise as you do.

“There you go little Vulgora, all clean, was that so hard?” you admonish as you playfully push its sponge. It chitters again and runs about in what you perceive as a playful manner. It’s the cutest thing you’ve seen in your life, made even cuter when you remember this is an extension of your partner.

“Well, you’re having fun at least,” you say as you proceed to wash yourself with the soap near you, wondering what else you could do.

Your eyes dart about the room, now excitedly searching for any other pampering materials.

There’s a small collection of bottles containing clear oils. You’re a little puzzled about their purpose until you squirt a small quantity onto your palm. _They’re hair oils_ , you realize, and it dawns on you that they must be the reason that Nadia’s hair always looks so incredibly shiny.

You rub a little into your own hair for fun, and then decide that if soap was perfectly fine for the beetle, the oil’s probably harmless too.

With a careful motion, you squeeze a little oil onto the tip of another fluffy washcloth. The beetle approaches the edge of the sponge, seemingly curious about what you’re going to do next. With careful motions you begin to apply the oil across the red chitin. To your delight, the oil causes a brilliant iridescent shine to appear on the beetle's carapace. By the time you’re done polishing, the beetle looks much like one of the shining broaches that the courtiers are so fond of wearing.

“You look so pretty, little Vulgora!” you say happily, extending a hand to the beetle.

It jumps from the sponge, resting in the middle of your hand as you stare down at it affectionately.

“Oh, you are too precious. What else can we do?” you say as you look about the space eagerly. In the corner, you spot a vanity displaying rows of multicolored bottles. _This must be Nadia’s personal perfume collection_ , you think, and feel suddenly mischievous as you place the beetle on the vanity’s surface.

“Come on, Little Vulgora! We should put on some perfume! I mean, we may as well take advantage of this whole bathroom.”

Little Vulgora, as you’ve started calling this extension of your partner, gives a happy chitter and runs across the surface of the vanity to the collection of perfumes. You hop out of the bath, your wet naked butt resting on the edge of the tiles as you quickly go through the bottles.

“Okay, we have a lot of choices,” you inform Little Vulgora as you start looking through the bottles.

The first bottle that grabs your attention is round and emerald green, and somewhat resembles an inkwell. You spray a little onto your wrist and take a sniff at it, wrinkling your nose as the overwhelming scent of hyacinths and a note of pine fills your nostrils.

 _Can beetles smell?_ You wonder as Vulgora scuttles up to your wrist. You have no clue, but by the looks of it, your little buddy is at least giving it a good old try. They hover over your wrist for a second before they flick their wings and back off.

“A ‘no’ on that one?” you ask, and you watch the bug turn about in a circle. “Fair enough — too flowery,” you agree, going back to the rest.

You grab another bottle, this one in a soft pink color and with glass shaped like a spired seashell. You spray it, and the aroma of candied roses wafts up. _Too sweet_ , you both decide.

You spray another, then another, all the way until the air is filled with complex and conflicting notes of fragrance. By now, you’ve both decided on a perfume after extensive deliberation.

By both decided, of course, you mean you asked the beetle questions and it performed some random gestures that you interpreted to the best of your ability. You have no idea how intelligent Little Vulgora actually is, but you do suspect that they’re at least a good few steps above that of a normal beetle.

The perfume you chose in the end is warm and smoky, with just a hint of pepper. The bottle itself resembled a jet-black plume of fire, etched with gold carvings and feeling heavy in your fingers. It’s a natural choice for Vulgora, in your opinion — as well as the most expensive-looking perfume amidst the set.

You giggle a little at the idea of a beetle wearing one of the Countess’s signature scents.

After you and little Vulgora have been perfumed, you both get back into the bath. You watch Little Vulgora float by you on its sponge boat through the sea of bubbles, wracking your brain for what would make this even better.

You notice a curious wooden jewelry box on a shelf adjacent to the tub, and are abruptly filled with a sense of intrigue.

You stand up once more and offer out a hand to Little Vulgora. You’re slightly startled when the beetle takes flight at your gesture, landing on your shoulder.

“Let’s go see if we can find anything else to pretty you up,” you say as it scuttles about happily. You pull yourself out of the water and proceed in all your wet and naked glory towards the wooden box, leaving a trail of water behind you. You’d be the first to admit that this bathroom looked a lot nicer before you and Little Vulgora were unleashed upon it. You make your way forward, pulling open the drawer in front of you and letting out a gasp.

The drawer is filled with tiny rhinestones, glittering in the dim light. You’re pretty sure they’re supposed to be used on nails, but you’re suddenly struck with a different idea. In another compartment is a small bottle of pine resin and an accompanying fine-tipped brush.

“Little Vulgora, do you want to be bedazzled?” you ask. In response, the small beetle jumps from your shoulder, landing onto the counter.

“I’ll take that as a yes!” you say as you begin to pick through the miniscule-yet-expensive jewels. You select a handful of amber-hued and gold rhinestones, deciding they contrast best with Little Vulgora’s shell, and you carefully glue them in place.

The red beetle does a turn for you as you stare at your beautiful handwork. You feel like it needs a finishing touch, however, and you glance into the back down into the drawer. Your eyes light up as you find something shimmering and yellow inside.

“Perfect,” you say as you reach down inside for it, a huge smile on your face.

“WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY BEETLE?!” Vulgora roars, inspecting the insect as it sits tamely in your hand. It twitches its antennae, which are now laced with a silky yellow ribbon. By now, the beetle has been bathed, polished, perfumed, and bedazzled.

“You’ve _spoiled_ it,” they say, looking at it in disgust. “How do you expect me to let this thing back into my swarm?” You frown at them, one hand on your hip.

“Vulgora, you left me alone with this beetle so the two of us could have a nice time together. You can’t blame it for having fun!” Vulgora looks like they can and very much do blame their beetle for having a good time.

“It’s all… _sparkly!_ ” they protest, pointing at the jewels along the beetle's back. “And why does it _smell_ like that?!”

“That would be the perfume,” you reply nonchalantly. Vulgora stares at you in disbelief.

“Don’t be mean,” you retort, offering the beetle out to them. “They’re part of you, after all.” Reluctantly, Vulgora accepts the beetle back into their metal gauntlet, staring at it in disapproval. It becomes more active the moment they touch it, quickly scurrying up their arm and disappearing into their clothing. Clothing that, by the looks of it, was stained with dark blotches and a good amount of slime.

“How did the fight go?” you ask, realizing that you’d been so occupied by playing dress up with their beetle, you hadn’t even paid attention to the noises going on below you. Now that you think about it, you’d heard some loud, distant crashes when you’d been in the tub. They grinned, throwing up a slime-covered gauntlet in a gesture of victory.

“I PERSONALLY destroyed more of the palace than Vlastomil’s damn pet.”

 _Ah, so they’ve yet again done the exact opposite of their duty,_ you secretly think.

“Well,” you say, once again looking over their clothes. “It seems to have left you a bit… grimy.” They look at their sleeves and scowl.

“It was that stupid worm, leaving patches of slime all over. Vlastomil’s pets are DISGUSTING.” There is a certain irony in Vulgora, a demon comprising of hundreds of insects, judging Vlastomil so harshly — but you ignore this.

“Sounds like there’s a lot to clean up after you, um, helped,” you say, trying not to sound too eager.

“There sure is,” confirmed Vulgora, looking pleased. “And you’re covered in slime,” you continue. There is a significant pause.

“What are you trying to get at?” It seems Vulgora is a bit quicker on the uptake this time. You tap you fingers together, a grin on your face as you look innocently at them.

“The water is still warm,” you say, glancing back towards where you’d left the bath. Vulgora folds their arms, their face a furious mask. You wonder if Vulgora is aware of anything that happened now that the beetle had rejoined the mass.

“ _One_ bath,” Vulgora states firmly, and you can see the faintest traces of a blush, even under all that makeup that covers their face. Your grin could light up the night as you grab them by the gauntlet, pulling them back into the bathing chamber.

Looks like your beetle-pampering skills were more top-notch than you knew.


End file.
